Jonese's Blog

So yea I turned my back on God big time. He never gave up on me tough and was constantly putting people and opportunities in front of me to change my ways. God knew how many times I would give Him a no until I gave the big yes.

Man sometimes I feel so bad for what I put Him and others around me during this time. I know I wasn't terrible, but I wasn't always a great guy or person either. That's ok though because I know God has forgiven me, I've forgiven myself and those people I've hurt and still talk too have forgiven me as well. Forgiveness will free your soul, and remember forgiveness doesn't mean you condone their actions. It just means you understand that it happened and because God forgives you of your sins you can forgive others of theirs. It's a circle, a very powerful circle.

So about the opportunities to come back to God. Early on it was my mom trying to get me to go to church with her when I visited home. Occasionally it would be someone at college who'd offer up a bible study in passing, or me taking a few extra moments to read the bulletin board at the campus baptist ministry. Maybe even the crazy guy on the quad who I used to make fun of who shouted out his bible versus and told us to repent from our wicked ways was an opportunity. I'll never know because these were all opportunities where I said no.

My biggest no though came during my 4 almost 5 years of marriage. I married a good christian woman who had the love of christ in her life. At the time I met her it was just what I wanted. I was done with the meaningless relationships. I was done with the parties. I was done hanging out at the bars all night lusting over some stranger. I was ready to turn my life around and set things right.

All in all things seemed to start off on the right foot but like every other time, my visits to church were quickly soured. I never fit in. It seemed like everywhere we went it was full of old people. People who I thought wouldn't understand me, or wouldn't be able to see my point of view or my problems. I figured they were all better then me and would judge me and ridicule me for being who I was in my past. I figured they would pressure me to get baptized, or to join some group, or volunteer in some way. My problem wasn't with the people, or with the churches we visited. My problem was me, and my inability to see who was really in control.

So year after year our church visit got less and less. I of course was blamed for us not going and this was probably true 95% of the time. I didn't make an effort to make it happen. Sure if I saw she was going I would get ready and be there, listen to the sermons, and soak up the word. But I wasn't really there. I heard the word, I understood the word, but I didn't consume it and live it like I should have. This undoubtedly wore my ex-wife down. She started caring less and less about it and she finally just gave up.

After we divorced she started going back to church and would tell me every sunday I needed to go too. I needed to meet some good church people. I heard her and I agreed with her but I wasn't ready. She did a divorce class and would tell me about it. She's tell me I needed to do it as well. Again I heard her and I agreed with her but I wasn't ready.

Again I kept saying no. again and again and again.

I bet if I had a dollar for all the times I've turned my back on God and ignored his offers to come back I could rid poverty in a small country. Don't feel sad for me though. I would not change anything that has happened to me. I wouldn't change any one of my no's for a yes. My yes was an awesome moment and there was no doubt in my mind when it happened, but that my friends is a story for another time.