Jonese's Blog

I'm divorced. You might know this. I co-facilitate an Oasis Divorce Recovery group at my church. You might know this also. Besides discovering a great deal about myself in this group, both as a participant and a facilitator I think I've also figured out why most relationships fail or succeed.

Yes I have the secret as to why your current and past relationships either failed, succeeded or might fail / be successful. This is a lot of power to have, a lot of insight to bear and I'm going to share it with you now. It all boils down to one word.

Intentionality.

According to Dictionary.com intentionality is "(adjective) done with intention or on purpose; intended"

So now the hard question you have to ask yourself AND your significant other.

"Why did you get involved with me? What was / is your intention?"

Now when you hear this you might be put off, or have a sudden fear of sitting in a dimly lit room with a stern father looking across at you, his piercing eyes asking "What are your intentions with my daughter tonight son?".

Then again it might just be a hard question to ask and even harder to really answer.

I truly believe if you answer this question honestly and with real discernment then you'll either be happy with where you are, or more likely to take the step you know you should take.

The problem is your intentions might be true but your partners are not. That's why it's so important to understand the other persons intentions and to see these intentions played out in their actions, not in their words.

Words can be manipulated, watered down, or skewed with emotions. Actions however are a constant. If you act one way to one group and then another way to another group then one of the two groups is not getting the real you. BUT if you are consistent with your actions then people will see this and will know you for who you really are.

If I look back at my past relationships I'm ashamed to admit my intentions where not always "good intentions". They were almost always self serving, physical, or just selfish in nature. My intentions were rarely about the other person when i got down to the core and even when they were, it was typically misguided. Obviously my intentions were also not focused on God or His plan.

For those wondering, yes even my marriage didn't have the best of intentions.

In fact I will be so bold to say that up until this past Christmas, I still had no clue what my real intentions for my next relationship would be. I knew I wanted to get married, have kids, love and honor my wife and even do something for His kingdom.

I thought I had good intentions with my view and plan but they aren't. Why?

Because they still focused around me.

You'll notice that I talk about marriage, kids, a wife and doing something for His kingdom. My problem and the realization I came to shortly after my Christmas break was that I thought I HAD to be married in order to DO something for His kingdom. Again I was focused on me, because while getting married can honor God when done right, if your intentions are off then it won't.

Now I'm not saying I was just going to rush out and get married so i could say I was married, but I felt, truly felt, that I could not start to DO what was in my heart UNTIL I got married or at least in a serious relationship.

So my intentions while "good" on the surface were not really all that good. Lucky for me God is more powerful then me and He hasn't allowed me to screw up some poor girl. In fact He's done something better because now I have conviction about what I need to do and know I CAN do it right now, without all the marriage stuff.

I do not need the girl to do His will.
I do not need the relationship to do His will.

I just need His will and a desire to do His will.

We see this kind of stuff in the bible and Moses, in my opinion, is the best example of this. God basically comes to him and says "Go speak about me and save my people". To which Moses basically replies "Um God I suck at talking and I'm not really the hero type, how about you send someone else. I'm not ready to do this." Now this really upset God because He is in control and if Moses would just have faith in God then Moses would be able to do exactly as he's been commanded.

Lucky for us Moses wises up and does what God commanded.

Yes I am Moses in this little story because I didn't think I was ready. I didn't think I had the skills or tools or knowledge or faith, to do what He's put on my heart. But I was wrong, and I just needed to realize this and to step out in faith and do it. Which I've started to do with His guidance.

So when that special someone does come along, I'll already being doing work for His kingdom and I'll be able to not only honor Him but also her with my actions. By doing now for His kingdom and following what's in my heart, it will allow God to bring the right person to me, instead of me trying to seek her out.

I don't know about you but I like that kind of intentionality.