Jonese's Blog

So I'm sitting here at StarBucks having just finished a bowl of their "Perfect Oatmeal" and working on a Venti Mocha with Hazelnut. I've already been to the 11am Service and I'm killing time till the 6pm service.

For those who think I'm crazy to sit at a StarBucks for almost 6 hours, you probably aren't too far off. But I actually LOVE sitting here. I'm outside (in the shade of course) watching the world rush by. People come and go and I get to see all kinds of interactions between people around me.

So what is it at StarBucks which has inspired me to put pen to paper and later take these words and digitizes them? Well you can thank my oatmeal (food for the brain!) along with conversations I've had in the past week for this topic.

SEX

Yep I said it. Wrote it out, made it bold and even bumped up the font a bit! Sex, Sex, Sex! It's not a four letter word but we find it so hard to have "real" conversations about it. We've all talked about sex at some point in our lives. We've either been forced into a Sex Education class, mine was in the 8th or 9th grade. Had a parent or parental figure sit down and have "the talk", mine actually never did. Or just while hanging with the guys or your best friend.The topic comes up on T.V., in our magazines, in the movies and even our humor. Our music is riddled with it and great poets and philosophers have written volumes on the subject.

Everyone has their opinion on the matter as well. Your parents probably hope you won't, but most of us do (or did). Your Pastor believes you need to wait till marriage. Your friends are probably split as well, although most will say "there's nothing wrong with it" to your face. There is even that small percentage of people who let it rule their life.

So what do I think? I mean it's why you read these ramblings. To get my opinion and either pat me on the back in agreement or challenge me with your views. Both are loved by the way! Well to me sex is awesome. It is the ultimate gift, sacrifice, and blessing you can give. There is nothing else in the world where two people (and I do mean a man and a woman, no guy on guy or girl on girl action here) can become so vulnerable and so trusting of each other, yet also be so totally consumed at the same time. I also believe that it's something to be saved for marriage. If you didn't catch that last line then let me reiterate it for you.

I am not having sex until I am married and you should do the same thing.

Now before you either cheer me on or lambaste me, know that I have not always thought or believed this. In fact for most of my life I believed the complete opposite and lived this way as well.

At this point my dear beautiful loving mother either fell out of her chair, had a heart attack or just said "I always knew it!"

Now I wasn't a floozy, a player or one who prided himself on the number of conquests he had. My number is low, single digit low. Everyone I went "there" with I cared for and most I thought I loved. I've always seen sex as a physical expression of love. I felt I had to "do it" to really feel IT. I.E. I had to HAVE sex in order to feel loved.

You know what this kind of thinking got me? Well for those of you who just said "It got you laid!" you are correct. It also got me a lot of heat ache, emotional baggage and a twisted view of sex.

Sex in my relationships got me only a physical satisfaction but never a really emotional one. Even in my marriage this was true. In fact sex was one of the main issues with my marriage. It was always an act, a something or a task to be done. Every single relationship I had which had a sexual encounter resulted in pain, depression and heartache.

Why? For those who snicker and say "You must have sucked" or "You weren't doing it right." I will argue that this was not the case but since I cannot, nor would I want to, provide first hand accounts, I'll just nod my head in agreement and turn to face those who care to hear what I have to say.

(turns to face you) Why? It goes back to something I said a few paragraphs earlier.

Emotional Satisfaction

Sex for the most part is a very physical thing. Society see it only as a physical thing, for the most part there are ALWAYS exceptions. For those of you who are single and already having sex what do you think? Do you feel completely satisfied afterwards? Both physically AND emotionally? If you said yes, as I assume most of you will. Then ask yourself, what would happened if we STOPPED having sex for 1 to 3 months?

You know what would happen? Turmoil. You'd start to doubt one another. You'd find things to argue about or notice things you never noticed before. In fact one of you would probably break down and seek it from someone else. Again there are exceptions to every situation.

Why? Because regardless of what you think, you are NOT getting true emotional satisfaction from your significant other. If you were then a brief break, and yes 1 - 3 months is brief, wouldn't cause such turmoil.

You see God only wants sex to happen between married people. In fact the best sex will only come from those who have a Christ centered life and relationship. Those who follow His plan will have spent the time up to marriage getting to know one another. They will focus on the person and the emotions you have for them, without a physical blanket hiding any problems. You will address issues between each other, differences in opinions, likes and dislikes, hopes and dreams, fears and passions. Instead of going out, getting buzzed and then home to hook up, you have conversations with someone which last till 3 A.M. and feed the deepest reaches of your soul.

But what if he/she isn't compatible with me in bed? Or worse what if she / he sucks when we do end up having sex once we are married? Excellent question but your still not getting it. If this is a valid concern of yours, as it used to be for me, then you are missing out.

You see God has some one picked for each of us. This is the "soul mate" everyone seeks out and God also has a plan for all of us. Our marriage is just one chapter of many plans He has. When we don't follow His plan and we try to control our own destines we are circumventing His plan. Sure at some point we'll come back to His plan (hopefully) but that journey won't be short or easy.

So let's assume you are following His will. You've got a relationship with Him and you have surrendered all aspects of your life to Him. God is then going to put things in motion things, which will lead you to meet the person He has picked for you. Now this person you may actually meet either multiple times and not "see it" or if you're like me He'll reveal this person to you, then put them out of reach while He molds you to the person He needs you to be for them.

Either path, if you let Him control it and let Him play the match maker then you will find that soul mate. And guess what? After all this, waiting, trials, tribulations, ups and downs, do you REALLY think God would set you up with someone who wasn't compatible sexually with you? I mean He loves us! Why would he deny us something He created FOR US?!?! Why would he give us this perfect person only to deny us this most special act?

Seriously why would God deny us GREAT SEX?????

He won't! Sure it might not be perfect from the very first time. But it will be. And because you waited and spent that time getting to really know each other, you're more then likely to have developed an extremely open line of communication between the two of you.

So with this communication you two can talk about it and guess what, you'll also end up growing closer and closer together. In no time you two will be perfect in every way, shape and form.

So yea I'm not having sex till I'm married and I am VERY jazzed about it. (I'm guessing so is my mother!!) I know it is NOT going to be easy. I'm someone who craves physical touch. I've noticed though that little things which never affected me, mean the world to me now. Before I would need to spend hours cuddling etc (use that over active imagination you had earlier). Now I find joy and pleasure in just being near someone I care for. Simply having my leg touch hers is enough.

When God gives you that person you find joy and more in the little things. You don't need to have sex to feel loved because you know you are by their actions, words and the way you can talk to them and never look away, even at 3 o'clock in the morning.

So to all you loyal readers, or those who've stumbled into this mess, thanks for reading. I'll leave you with this. You are now all my accountability buddies. You have been granted the right to get personal with me and ask me how I'm doing with my abstinence. But I also challenge you to try it. Hey all's fair besides you're the one who's got all the answers right? Are you going to let a simple challenge from me ruffle your feathers? If you are not married go 3 months without sex. If you can do that go 3 more. If you do that go 6 months. If you succeed at that then ask yourself why you can't just wait till marriage? You've already gone a year and this person is still with you. If the other half bails, or fails you, or doesn't support your decision then move on.

You are worth so much more. God loves you so much more then you can imagine. And He will give you someone who feels the same way, but YOU have to let Him.