Jonese's Blog

Friday Night I stepped out of my comfort zone a bit. I went up to Kennesaw to hang with a buddy. He's a great guy, someone I know from here and there (mostly church) but have never really hung out with. Well he extended an invitation to come up and hang at his place with a bunch of his friends. I figured why not, he's a cool guy and I can always use more friends.

So after a Fusion meeting I headed up to K'saw, as I like to call it, to hang with this dude and his crew. It was a small gathering, as expected, everyone was friendly as can be and I had a really good time. It's going to sound weird to some of you but I really felt like God wanted me to go hang out with them tonight. I didn't have any idea why I felt this way but something told me to go there versus accepting any of the other offers I had.

Then at around 11:30 it became clear why I was supposed to be there. We were watching "Along Came Polly" a movie I've seen many times. It's a great flick but there was one line, one moment in the movie that hit me like a rush.

It's one thing to be inspired by a movie. It one thing to have a movie speak to you and make you want to do good, fight the world, or stop world hunger.

It's another thing to have a movie reveal just how much life is passing you by.

I'm 32, about to be 33 in less then a month (mark your calendars Feb. 22nd peeps!) and my life has been passing me by.

"Its not about what happened in the past, though what you think, might happen in the future. It's about the ride, for christ sake. There is no point in going through all this crap, if you are not gonna enjoy the ride... And you know what, when you least expect it, something great might come along. Something better than you even planned for."

So imagine this if you will. Me sitting on the stoop leading up to the stairs in this Townhouse. Surrounded by half a dozen people I don't know and one guy I kind of know. Suddenly faced with the idea that my life, up to this point, has been "safe".

I started to think about my friends in the past and present. How they all have these stories they can talk about. These life experiences they can pull from to help themselves or others through difficult times etc.

I drew a blank.

Now granted no one lives 32 years and has NO live experiences. I have plenty of stuff to think back on, to reminisce about, to ponder and share with others. The problem though is my life recently, I've been playing it safe, I've been holding back and I haven't been living life.

I've just been existing in life.

One of my keywords for 2009 is relationships and the idea of coloring in the outlines created in 2008. Relationships are an area of my life I feel and really desire God to do an Extreme Makeover in. Now when you hear the word relationship I'm sure your mind immediately jumps to dating and such. While this is one aspect of the makeover I'm talking about relationships in a more generalized term.

I want him to makeover how I interact with friends, co-workers, strangers, and yes, should He deem me ready, even my dating life. But I know this is not something I can just pray on and wake up one morning "fixed". There is a lot of leg work and stuff I have to do on my end to make this happen.

One aspect I can start with right away is doing for me and to stop playing it so safe. Now this doesn't mean I'm going to rush out and go sky diving, it's much to cold for that now, BUT it does mean I need to step out more.

One way I'm stepping out is to get really real with myself. To accept who I am, as I am, and to not try and adapt myself to everyone so much. I took a strengths test recently and mine strengths are:

Developer
Adaptability
Connectedness
Positivity
Belief

Notice number two is Adaptability which is NOT a bad thing under normal circumstances. It's a good trait to be able to adapt to situations, to be able to adapt to people to help them feel more comfortable etc. BUT it's a weakness when I allow it to hide who I really am. When I adapt to the point that I lose myself, lose my identity and try to become everything to everyone.

The problem lies in the fact though that I've spent 32 years becoming very adaptable in many aspects of my life, mostly in relationships (the romantic kind) and friendships. After the divorce, and really before the divorce was finalized, I started asserting myself more. In fact my Ex even commented on how I'd changed so much that I was going to be "the man she wanted me to be". Which says a lot for what I had become and what I'm trying to stop becoming again.

This is not easy for me. To be assertive and let my thoughts, feelings and emotions out. Not just what I think the person WANTS to hear, or NEEDS to hear from me BUT what I HAVE to express. This will cause, without doubt, some people to pull away from me, or to wonder what has "gotten into me". It means my "filter" will be off probably more often and I'll be a bit more vocal in my ideas and "stuff".

So to my friends, please forgive me now, I am just being me, the real me. I know you might not like all of it but give ME a chance just like you did so long ago.

The song below is my marching anthem as I really dive into this journey. Also the chorus really is a prayer I've had for many weeks but just didn't know it.

I will stand up now, I will not step down.
I will do my best to wear this crown,
but I need You as You guide me through today.