Jonese's Blog

I have an addictive personality. I'm not saying people just can't get enough of me, in fact some would tell you the complete opposite that they get TOO much of me. No what i mean is I can't do things like gamble or go to casino's, or do anything which allows for repetition because if I enjoy it I'll just keep on keeping on. If I walk into a casino with $20 and sit down in front of a slot machine I will play until the entire $20 is gone, and all my winnings are gone too.

Now having said this I'm not an addict. When that $20 is done I'm not off looking for the ATM, I'm just done. But this same addictive personality is prevalent in my choices of music. I can take a song or a couple of songs and play them over and over and over again and NOT grow tired of them. In fact I typically have to force myself to switch CD's, songs, or play lists just to break the cycle. If radio had a repeat button on it I'd be in heaven.

So recently two songs have been hot on my "Addiction" play list for my ipod. Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, and Say by John Mayer. Say has really taken the top spot and I've got it so this is the only song with really repeats. iTunes shows I've played this one song 29 times and that's just at home and doesn't count my iPod. Don't believe me? Check out my Recently Played List on last.fm. Sick huh. The thing is I love music, as I've mentioned in previous posts, and I get a lot from the words of music. This is no exception as "Say" has been saying a lot to me, and making me really think.

The line I like the most is "It's better to say too much / Than to never to say what you need to say again". Ask any of my college or high school buddies and especially any of my past relationships, even my marriage, and they will all agree that I don't say things. I always say I'm an open book and tell people they can ask me any question and I'll answer it openly and honestly. That's the catch though, you have to ask me a question. I don't just come out and say things, most of the time. I think of a lot of things TO say, but I never come out and SAY them. This was one of the big reasons my marriage failed.

So why am I this way? How can I talk about being so open with my emotions and thoughts yet never just say them? Why do I have to be asked? Well a lot of it probably has to do with my family. We are normal, we have our issues like any other family but it seems to me we don't talk about things a lot. At least I don't talk to them about things and they don't talk to me about them really. It's always been this way as far as I can recall, and it's stuck with me even into my adult life.

The other reason I'm this way is because of fear. I was a pretty shy kid growing up and didn't really start to come out of my shell till about mid way through my junior year of high school. Even after this point I still kept to myself for the most part. I started to develop this, I'll answer any question you ask attitude during college. It was my way to talk with girls om a non threatening manner and most girls would see it as a game or challenge. "Let's see if we can come up with a question Eric won't answer", was a common theme amongst my group. The funny thing is this open door policy worked, and it worked well. They would ask questions which would spawn conversation and they would typically start to open up as well. In time I would start to ask questions and maybe even just offer up information. BUT there was always a fear of rejection sitting in the back of my mind. Rejection that they wouldn't like what I said, or wouldn't like my answer, or my ideals. Fear is a powerful motivator to NOT do something.

So after my divorce I have worked hard to be someone who "says" things without fear of any retribution or rejection. Say by John Mayer is almost like an anthem for me nowadays. Life is really so short and there are so many things which go unsaid. My grandfather on my mothers side passed away while I was in college. He got really sick and was hospitalized for a time. My family all flew out to Arkansas to be with him and I stayed in Tucson. I have an image of my Papa where he's strong, tough, and loving. The idea of him being in a hospital, lying in a bed and hooked up to even just an IV drip was something I couldn't handle. I didn't want to see him this way "just in case". Well the "just in case" happened and he passed away during the hospital stay. I can remember seeing him at the viewing, he had lost a lot of weight but he hadn't lost his smile at all. I never told him how much I enjoyed his smile and how seeing that smile when I would arrive to stay the summer with them was like jet fuel for me. It's a simple thing, but it's something which I should have said.

I'm sure many of you and especially me can think of things we wish we would have said to person A, B or even C but we didn't for whatever reasons. I still have the fear and I still hold back a lot of my thoughts. Sometimes this is a good thing. Being silent and patient can have a lot of good benefits for sure. The thing is it's a very fine line between being patient, quiet and waiting for the right moment and just being too scared to say anything at all. I'm not perfect. I don't know the magic formula between when you think of something and how long you should wait till you say something. I do know this, if the spirit moves me to say something I'm going to say it. I might stutter step a bit, maybe even trip over my words but I'm going to get it out.

Ok so that's what I've told myself I'm going to do, and probably about 60% of the time I do, but I'm still working on that 40%. The thing I've learned so far is that as long as my intentions are good and I'm not just saying things to hurt people, to earn their favor, or to "get" something out of it, the results have been good. The key is finding that balance between being patient and silent vs just letting it all out.

I do recommend though that you start saying whatever it is you want to say. Even if what you say might hurt someone. A little hurt today might allow them to feel some joy tomorrow. So don't hold back, go out there and "Say what you need to say". Oh yea, if you have a question just ask, you know I'll answer it now!