The Nice Guy Syndrome
Relationships , No More Mr. Nice Guy , Personal , Take Action , Personal Reflection Add commentsSo I was going to do this post as a video but I just can't seem to figure out the lighting and all the other stuff to make it come out enjoyable. Which is kind of funny considering the video is all about me being real and showing the true me.
You see this is something I struggle with all the time.
Being Me.
For the most part I am me. If I wasn't me, then who would I be? I certainly cannot be you, or him and especially not her. So I have to be me right?
The problem I really have is when I get personal. Opening up, being vulnerable, humble with my struggles and just sharing in general. My answer all the time seems to be I'm great, or things are going wonderfully. It's rare that my friends hear me say anything negative about my own life.
But like them, life for me is not perfect and I'm nowhere near perfect. I am an open book but instead of being a book you can read, or listen to on tape I'm more like someone on a job interview. I'll be friendly, talk with you and share but if you really want to know about me you have to ask. Ask me a question though and I'll go on and on about it. Telling you things you wanted to hear and probably some stuff you didn't really care to know.
It's how I roll...or how I used to roll.
I build walls around myself to protect myself, from myself. Yea that's right I'm not worried about you hurting me, disappointing me, or even leading me astray. Nope I'm more worried about how what I say or what I do will hurt me or worse you! I think before I speak, act, think and probably even before I pee.
I am a nice guy.
I'm too nice of a guy.
This is not a bad thing. So please don't feel pity for me, but it's not a great thing. You see us nice guys have problems with asserting ourselves and letting those around us know what we feel, desire, need etc. We are so consumed with our need to make everyone happy that we tend to fore go our own needs and desires in order to keep the peace.
We want you to like us. We want you to think good thoughts about us. We want you to want us.
This works in some circles but in reality this kind of activity and drive will probably annoy the crap out of you. Don't believe me? Then ask my ex-girlfriends and probably even my ex-wife. Everyone will give you similar answer.
He's such a great guy but.... He's such a nice guy but..... He was sooo sweet but.....
Those buts are where they turn my positive into a negative as they rightfully should.
For those of you women reading this and thinking "Sweet I've always wanted this guy. I better email him for coffee". Put your laptops down and keep reading. I'll save you a lot of heartache.
You know why nice guys always finish last? It's not because you save the best for last. No, it's because we have to find someone who we can wear down to the point that they will take care of us. We get ourselves to a point where we cannot function and we depend on the other person to DO things.
We have no voice, we have no control, we have no conviction.
With my friends and my work I am the nice guy but I'm also a strong guy. I let my opinions be known. I tell the boss and the guy in the next cube exactly how I feel without any fear of retribution etc. I call my friends out when they treat me wrong. I tell them when I have concern for their activities. I let them have it, below the belt sometimes, when they need it.
I have a voice, I have control, I have conviction.
So why the difference? Why am I one way with my friends and co-workers but turn into Mr.-Nice-Guy-To-Beat-All-Nice-Guys with my relationships (family, closest friends, girlfriends etc)?
Fear of rejection and a need to be appreciated.
So I don't have the fear or need with my family AS MUCH as I do with romantic relationships. I think this is because of my past. I've only had 2 relationships last more then 4 months. One ended because she saw no future and "got tired of me" the other I married and after 5 years it ended.
You see when I start dating someone I am all about them. I give and give and give and give and I take little to nothing. I feed them like crazy but I never get fed myself. To me I always saw this as self sacrificing and that if you really care about someone then this is the way you should act.
I was right to a point and i was wrong on so many more points.
In reality though women want a strong man, who can take control and lead when the need arises. She may be strong and controlling as well BUT if the man cannot match her and at times exceed her then he will just frustrate her.
Frustration leads to confusion and that confusion can lead to doubt which leads to a break-up.
So this holiday season I've started to learn about this "Nice Guy Syndrome" I suffer from. I'll be spending time embracing it, while also learning how to let my true voice out. I've already started to change thanks to some very strong friends and special people in my life directing me.
But the journey starts and ends with me with only my God to lean on.
It's time for me to stop being nice (all the time), to start being real, and as Dave Barnes put it's time for me to "be more than a man for you"
There's a war inside my heart and mind
Between the hope ahead and the sin behind
All I ask...
Is you believe in me
Wish me luck, pray for me, and check back often as I'll be documenting this entire journey here. 2008 was a great year for me and this blog but 2009 will be unlike anything you've ever seen. As some of my geek friends say it'll be EPIC.
Dec 21, 2008 at 9:52 PM Well said. Thank you for speaking open and freely. I pray your vulnerability is contagious.
Dec 21, 2008 at 10:01 PM Well I think you've seen my Pay It Forward article. :) Needless to say people like myself suffer with quite a bit of social anxiety, so being vulnerable to others is quite challenging. Ironically part of the reason for that is that we tend to be very honest. The problem is that in spite of being considered a "virtue", there are a wide array of daily circumstances in which people are expected to lie. Because we don't lie easily or well, well... you get the idea. ;) So in a very real sense, we suffer from a similar kind of "too nice". Although in our case it's "too honest". (Which isn't always considered "nice" -- sometimes if not actually often it's considered rude.)
Here are a couple of articles that talk about that some:
http://ezinearticles.com/?That-Employees-Attitude-Problem-Might-Be-Aspergers-Syndrome&id=1042344
http://autism.about.com/od/inspirationideas/tp/besttraits.htm
Dec 21, 2008 at 10:03 PM Oh and since I mentioned it, I may as well provide a link to the pay it forward article: http://ontap.riaforge.org/blog/index.cfm/2008/11/20/Pay-It-Forward
Dec 22, 2008 at 11:05 AM Man... I have been a LONG suffering 'nice guy.' I tried to please my parents, my friends, then later my wife and my kids. When I found God, I tried to please my church and my congregation and my pastor. Sometimes I tried to please complete strangers.
Growth came in the form of strengthening my relationship with Jesus, and learning to say 'no' to others. Don't get me wrong, I still try to please and serve some or all of the above from time to time... But not at the expense of my faith or my family.
This was kind of forced a few years ago when my wife developed some severe back issues. They are still going on today after 3 years, and with two small kids at home, I'm constantly aware of WHO I need to serve. I'm sure most of my acquaintances would still say I'm a nice guy, but my true service is to my family... Showing Jesus to them by continually digging into their lives, and serving.
Here is an example of what that looks like sometimes: http://www.transparentchristianmagazine.com/2008/11/19/grace-doesnt-walk-away-we-do/
Thanks for the reminder, and as a recovering 'nice-guy' we can hold each other accountable!
Jason Elkins
Transparent Christian Magazine
Dec 25, 2008 at 3:32 AM Great Post Man.
I too am a recovering nice guy
and related with this post.
A great book that has helped become more clear about this issue & one I often recomend
is David Deida's "Way of the Superior Man"
It is about standing confidently grounded in your masculinity from which you can better respond to work, life, and relationships.
Onward.
- Avatar -
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Dec 28, 2008 at 6:32 PM I can understand a lot of the frustrations of being a nice guy. However, I don't believe conforming into want others want you to be is the answer. Many people believe that the nice guy must conform into an alpha male to be happy. This assumption is completely false, because it often leads him to suffer from an identity crisis. Nice guy should be more assertive and value themselves more. Nice guys should be careful to not betray their character.
Jun 4, 2009 at 7:22 AM You describe to a T, the man that just left me after 11 years. As he put it, he couldn't take it anymore. It blind-sided me. I never saw it coming, but your blog may expalain some things. Yes, he frustrated with on many levels but I loved him truly... I guess he mixed up true love for just didn't want me to not like him. I'm debating on whether to send this to him.
Jun 4, 2009 at 1:58 PM Sandra,
Sorry for your loss and pain. You can forward the post to him if you think it will help but if he doesn't realize it, and doesn't have a heart to discover it then i might do more damage then good. If you send it to him make sure it's with a caring heart, no expectations attached and that you just care for him. then let him have at it, let him figure it all out and pray God helps him in this journey!
Also I've started a new blog over at http://www.witharmshigh.com/ Check it out over the next few weeks as I'll probably expand on this and a lot more.
thanks for taking the time to write!
Jun 4, 2009 at 3:07 PM I've decided not to send it to him. I just don't think he would understand... he doesn't see it as him having a problem - and I'm definitely not saying I have no issues. He and I still speak... he still does things for me, but I will never know if it's because he cares or just because he can't say no. I've offered to help him many times and he always turns me down. In the years I lived with him, I've seen him struggle openly where no one else has. No one knows him as anyone other than "that great guy who always will help out anyone"... he wants to be seen that way, but I've seen how much it gets to him when too many people are wanting him to help out. It's almost been two years since he left and I still love him like no other. I've since married ... same still applies. See ... I told you I had issues too. :)
Jun 4, 2009 at 6:07 PM I know that mindset. I didn't see it as a problem either. I just figured people didn't understand me. It took me a LONG time and someone who i cared about telling me it was me, AND me listening to the person, before i went down that road. the great thing is once i did while it was hard at times and not pretty at all the end has been glorious. I'll be praying for him and for you as well. Find peace Sandra! Looking forward to further conversations on http://www.witharmshigh.com/
Jan 4, 2010 at 12:04 AM Thanks for posting this article and sharing some of the real you. I could relate to a lot of what you said. I am also a [url=http://chick-magnet.net/blog/recovering-from-nice-guy-syndrome]recovering Nice Guy[/url]; but progress can be made!